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• 1/22/2014

Radio Silence - WaZelda's notes

Chapter 2:

I think I'll start with the positives this time. I like stuff like what you wrote about Joe's Diner / Diner Joe. I feel it adds personality to the setting.

The story over-all is intriguing. I'm itching to find out if people are litterally being possessed by dead criminals or if there is some other explanation, like Gordon having gone mad after the death of his brother and started killing innocent people due to  his paranoid halucinations.

Then over to some sentence issues:

"Gordon killed his deputy who tried to kill him first."

Simply "Gordon killed his deputy in self-defense" sounds much better.

"In an attempt to hide the evidence that it was him..."

The last part is implied. It's enough to write "in an attempt to hide the evidence."

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• 2/4/2014

Glad you liked Chapter 8. That's actually one of my favorite chapters, and I had that planned since the first chapter. When I came up with Denny, I decided to make him a bit older than all the other prisoners, and to show that he's wiser. He's reflected on his past choices, and he's spent a lot of his rage in prison, but there's still a little bit of rage within him. 

Anyways, I hope you continue reading. I'm posting a new chapter soon, and it replaced Chapter 8 as my favorite. It was the most fun to write, so I'm looking forward to your thoughts on it. Hint to the featured song: It's also by Queen. 

Thanks for the comments, and for sticking with it despite the mistakes. :P

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• 2/4/2014

Chapter 9 is good as well. I'm always glad to see a likeable pastor in stories. In Norwegian TV series you usually see men of the church as hateful, anti social people. I realize that at one point it was meant to be an extra surprise when the guy prieching is actually the worst person around, but suddenly it became a TV trope, just like the mad scientist with no respect for human life.

One thing I didn't like is when you say "unfortunately Gordon was in the real world", because it's just factually untrue. It always bother me when people in TV series say stuff like "I thought that kind of thing only happened on TV".

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• 2/4/2014
Well geez now I'll have to creep when writing about my own priests.
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• 2/5/2014

I was pretty nervous about the priest, actually. I know some people that would hate it because he's good, and yet, I thought it'd be too easy to make him evil. Of course, I was tempted to make him into this really sleazy guy like the priest from Horns (loved that chapter), but I decided to make him into an honorable fellow in the end.

The whole "I thought that happened on Tv" thing does happen at least... once, I think. But thankfully, it doesn't pop up too much. 

@Kevin: I want to come up with a funny reply to that, but all I've got is laughter. xD

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• 2/5/2014

Chapter 10:

Wait, had he not noticed that he was possessing a woman? I'm pretty sure the first thing I'd do if I somehow ended up in someone elses body would be to check myself out from top to bottom and then try to find a mirror.

Some redundancy like saying car twice in the same sentence, but the one that truly bothered me was "looked at him calmly in the eye."

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• 2/6/2014

Chapter 11:

Nice to get some hint that the plot will advance soon with some important events. Seems like the right point in the story to start getting some answers to the questions the reader is bound to be asking.

Gordon's reaction to Alex' prank seemed a bit understated to me. I'd imagined he would flip out that someone would be joking with something like that, particularly in the physically and mentally exhausted state Gordon has to be in.

Also, make sure you are consistently writing lyrics in italics to avoid confusion.

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• 2/7/2014

Chapter 12:

I think it is a weird point in the story to start breaking the forth wall. Doesn't fit very well with the narration style, I think.

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• 2/8/2014

Chapter 13:

Gotta say I like Frankie's contributions to the story. Breaks up the monotony of Gordon being alone and just thinking all the time, and I also think he's a good character. I particularly enjoy his sarcasm.

Over-all I think your creative writing is spot on, but as I keep saying, I have some issues with your techical writing. For one thing, ending conversations like "... is a good idea?" Gordon said, really only makes sense if Gordon's dialogue was just one sentence - not more than a paragraph. It would be much better to just drop the Gordon said part, since it is obvious that he is speaking. Also, you really didn't need to put a new paragraph in the middle of the comment.

The other method is to write it like this:

"I want you to remember something," Gordon said. "You are in..."

That way you establish that Gordon is talking after the first sentence and doesn't have to do it on the end. This method is my personal preference.

I don't like the part where the narrator points out that Gordon's joke was good, since A) That is a weird thing for a narrator to do. Unless the narrator is a named person, it should only state objective truths like "this person did that" or "this person thought that", not give subjective oponions. B) It's basically you, the writer, patting yourself on the back in the middle of the story.

Quick question. How does turning off pain work for the criminals? Do they have to turn off all sensations as they do so? I'm asking, because I think realistically the first thing Frankie would do after Gordon left him behind would be to fondle "his" breasts, but if he couldn't do that without feeling the pain in his arm then I understand. Though, it's understandible if you just didn't want to go there with the story.

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• 2/8/2014

Hey, sorry it's been awhile since I've replied. I've been holding my breath to find out what you think of Frankie, so I'm pretty happy that you think he's a nice addition. Also, in response to your question of whether or not Frankie knew that he was possessing a girl, he knew. It's just that he was avoiding thinking about that, and to hear someone else point it out was packed a punch for him.

Gordon, believe it or not, was the real "revolutionary" thing for me, since I hadn't done a character like him before. Frankie was more my style, and I planned to bring him in much sooner. I just had to figure out how to do it in a cool way. 

It's more like they dull any sensation. Since they are possessing the body, they have a bit more... control over it. The whole "mind over body" thing takes a different meaning. The breasts thing... Yeah, I could've done that, but I probably would've been forced to change it by my Mom (after all, I'm still an innocent teen at 15), so I decided to avoid that path altogether.

Plus, I think it speaks to Frankie's character that he wouldn't do something like that. Although, a future prisoner might... Hint, hint. 

Frankie's character also helps me leave some mystery to the story, and I'll be doing something else in Part 2 of Radio Silence that helps me answer some of the questions the readers have. It's something I planned since the first time I came up with the whole story, and I'm looking forward to your thoughts on it when I finally get around to posting it. :D

Thanks for sticking with the story, and yeah, I'll remember that thing with the jokes. I sometimes go off the rails (more than sometimes, actually), and that's a prime example of one of those times. 

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• 2/9/2014

Chapter 14 (yay, caught up):

Nothing to comment on specifically, but great chapter.

After thinking a bit, I'm wondering what decides who a criminal possesses. It can't be random, since way more than half of them got male hosts and possessing an entire team would be too much of a coincidence. If they could choose freely I doubt Frankie would pick a woman. Although I guess if they can jump bodies, then the criminals that got females decided to jump to a male body instead and Frankie just didn't have time to find someone else before he fled town.

Anyway, I won't be reading the next chapters immediately, but catch up with some other series first and come back when you have, say, 9-10 more chapters.

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