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Whenever you're crossing the street, you should always look both ways.

In fact, even when you're not crossing the street, there are times you should always look both ways.

For instance,

When you're standing at the curb waiting for the traffic light to change: always look both ways.

When you're approaching the curb, especially near an intersection: always look both ways.

When you've crossed the street and two mysterious people in black suits suddenly show up beside you: always look both ways.

When you're crossing the street really fast to get away from them, but they're speeding up to pursue you: always look both ways.

When you're rounding the curb to head down another street to try and lose them: always look both ways.

When you're rounding the corner into a dark alleyway to hide: always look both ways.

When the people in suits walk past your hiding place and you reemerge onto the sidewalk going in the opposite direction: always look both ways.

And also thank your lucky stars that your "secret" is safe for another day.

Now, when you're crossing the street in London: always look both ways.

When you're crossing the street in New York: always look both ways.

When you're crossing the street in Soviet Russia: the street is actually crossing you.

When you're walking down a deserted road: always look both ways.

When you're walking down a deserted road with no civilization in sight: always look both ways.

When you're walking down a deserted road with no civilization in sight BY YOURSELF AND UNARMED: ask the first doctor you come across to examine you for mental illness.

On the other hand,

When you're walking down a deserted road alongside friends: always look both ways.

When you're walking down a deserted road alongside enemies: always look both ways.

When you're walking down a deserted road alongside the mother or-slash-and father of your unborn child: always look both ways.

When you're walking across the African savannah: always look both ways.

When you're taking pictures of zebras: always look both ways.

When you hear snarling or growling somewhere behind you: always look both ways.

When you're being chased by a lion: always look both ways.

When you're being chased by a rhino: always look both ways.

When you're being chased by the mad tribe of Tchakachulla: always look both ways.

When you're drag racing: always look both ways.

When you're sinking into quicksand: always look both ways.

When you're caught in a giant spider's nest: always look both ways.

When you're bending over at a water fountain: always look both ways.

And most importantly of all, when you're sitting alone at your computer at night, reading funny stories by Kevin Lewis, and things seem awfully quiet...

...masturbate. Masturbate hard.

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